My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
