Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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