So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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