The maid of honor just puked.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
