it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
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