Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
