true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize
