i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
