HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
i drank out of a bidet.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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