Plan B is the new Plan A
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize