Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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