It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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