I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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