I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
