He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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