She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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