it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
