where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
