fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
