so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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