my mouth tastes like poor choices
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
