I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
