Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
