So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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