normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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