I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
she peed on how many people?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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