At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
