census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
