the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
She bit a glass in half.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
We have so much sex to catch up on
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
