I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
