when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
