Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
