You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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