I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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