Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
there was a trapeze. enough said
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
