the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize