were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
