those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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