I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
