so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
