This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
