I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
