Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
How does one acquire holy water?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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