Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
