Just took my morning after pill in the library
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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