Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
