I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
