Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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