sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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