I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
