i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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