i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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