she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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