The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
