i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
