You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You are a genius and a whore.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
